Now that I am a self-aware shit stirrer, I don't want to stir shit so much. Infact, I want to become completely aware of my shit-stirring abilities so I can rope them in.
Please forgive my past stirrings and please confront me with honesty when my anger takes me for a ride.
In order to be effective in this reality I must purify my actions and my expression so that I no longer do anything just for a reaction, just for approval or just to appease my insecurities. In the future I can change this by doing more research on a topic and back up my words and thoughts with reputable sources and openly admit when I choose a single perspective; I can learn when my expression is not controlled by me consciously or is reactionary (through using constant breath awareness meditation); I can trust myself sincerely to know that what I learn from experience is true and honest regardless of an opposing view (by however large a group).
What is left to do then? Be content with being ordinary. Just be a normal person like everybody else, stop trying to be special or unique or 'chosen' or necessary or 'right'. These are all conditionings that my emotional past latches onto in order to have a strong hold of my identity.
"Unless it is right for everybody, it is not right for anybody." - I heard this once and it is rings true with another common proverb, "Communication can only occur between equals." Elitism through a belief I have the 'key knowledge' and must infect humanity with it in order for them to be saved is a conditioning I have retained from my childhood through religion and I still retain it subconsciously. I wish to purge myself of this self-righteousness and allow others in my reality to be who and what they are without judgement or discrimination from myself.
It is no one person's responsibility to assist me in seeing my own mind fuck or to let me know when I am stirring shit (most times not intending to, or with the 'best of intentions' in view of a 'bigger picture'). I am not a sacrifice for anyone or anything and I choose not to be that symbol in consciousness any longer.
I am ever thankful for the people that have risked their own sincerity to undercut mine by telling me how it really is in a brash moment of honesty gifting me with a glimpse of truth for my mind to grab onto, having been seeded with an itch I could not scratch until I faced myself.
This subconscious desire to shit-stir is an 'entity possession' of sorts, and I relinquish control of this emotional entity over myself. I take self-responsibility of actions performed by it through me.
Please note: I address subconscious emotionally driven entities within others to say that this is not a free ticket to pin me with your problems (as many admissions of issues with the self become an easy target for those that wish to avoid taking self-responsibility (namely almost everybody, lol) - I know this process intrinsically because it is true to my experience of what I have done to others).
And understand, it is never a one way street, perpetuation of abuse requires a victim and a predator role. Without either, the energetic resonance of the desired conflict that generates the emotion cannot be upheld. Thus, I present this as an honest statement of myself to myself, shared here simply because I have noticed other unconscious shit-stirrers in this world, also plagued by emotional entities of the past, who are slowly and tactfully avoided by everyone around them but not often given the blatant truth that seeds a change.
Generally we are people that have a lot of anger to go around and are not always in control of where it goes. I have my music. At least in this I have a release that is largely non-abusive.
So here it is frankly, I'm not your super hero and neither is anyone else. You need to help yourself. Part of that self-assistance is opening up and allowing others in but ultimately you're alone in this process.
I endeavor to ask the question when in doubt of the sincerity of my actions - "Am I stirring shit? Is this what I want? Am I willing to face the consequences of this action?" Walking into shit stirring consciously is the first step. I endeavor to do consciously what I already do subconsciously, so I can observe my own actions and reactions for the purpose of discovering what free-will is really about, learning how to engineer my own conditioning.
In Unconditional Love,
Monti
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